Have you guys heard of the new Borat movie coming out? I can't wait! Check out the trailer
What the heck is happening to the UES of Manhattan this week?? There was an explosion in a building on E 70th St last night, and several buildings were on fire. This comes 2 days after the Yankees pitcher crashed his plane into a building on E 72nd St. Oh and about 3 months ago a building blew up around E 60th St. This is a bad omen. My fire escape is not easily accessible (I'm caged in a bit) and its exit leads you through the ground level of the building. You have to actually go back into the building in order to get out. What if the ground level exit is in flames?! Is this legal? Is this building up to code? Will I perish in flames? Change the subject, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I've got a cold sore on the left side of my top lip. Last week I had a cold sore on the right side of my top lip. What the heck is going on?? I don't like cold sores for a number of reasons. One, they're painful. Two, they're ugly. Three, I have to be extra careful about where I touch myself after I've had my hands anywhere near my mouth. I'm paranoid I'm going to give myself the other herpes because I was stupid enough to scratch my lip and then scratch my @$$.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Dodging insults from deranged men
I took a day trip to Waltham, MA yesterday for a friend’s wedding. My day began at 4:45am (really sooner, as I kept waking up every half hour). I left the house at 6am so that I’d have ample time to get to Chinatown by 7am to catch my bus – one never knows how infrequently the subway runs at that hour. The train came immediately, so I got to Chinatown with 40 minutes to kill. For those who don’t know the area, it’s not the safest place to be during off-peak hours. I stood at the corner of the major cross-section (I know, a chick waiting on a corner at 6:30am on a Sunday) to ensure that if anyone tried to attack me, passing cars would see and call 911.
My bus got into Boston exactly 4 hours later, as planned (Instead of 6 hours later, like I imagined). So now I had 2 ½ hours to kill before the wedding. Clearly, I had overplanned my itinerary. I took the subway out to Arlington and hitched a cab to the venue. The cab cost me $37. Mind you, my roundtrip bus ticket was $30. Each 1/8 of a mile was $0.30. I swear, I looked at the meter when it was $3, looked down to fetch something in purse, and looked up to see it was at $13. Insanity!
K’s wedding was perfect. Perfect weather, perfect venue, perfect food, perfect drinks, perfect guests, perfect gown, perfect vows, sheer perfection. It was crazy. When I saw her at the head of the aisle with either parent on her side, in tears, I thought “Oh no!” Thank God I was wearing sunglasses to hide the overflowing flood gates. She was, as expected, a nervous wreck. She said she puked several times over the past few days, which was good because it helped her get into her dress. I said “Oh honey, if you ever need to lose weight, become a nervous wreck and you’ll sh!t and puke yourself down to a size 4” Trust me, I know.
At dinner, we were talking about how this girl J doesn’t look her age (31) at all. She looks more like 25. I said “Yeah, and people tell me I don’t look my age”. A fellow who looked like a Mormon polygamist asked me my age and when I told him, he responded with “Wow, you look WAY older than 30”. I...I kinda meant that people guess younger. Everyone at the table, other than me, was stunned that he had said that. Granted, I didn’t look my best. I’ve broken out like crazy, I’ve got a cold sore, I’ve had no appetite for 2 days, and I hadn’t slept since the new moon. I looked haggard at best. So I wasn’t offended. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy to be.
So I ended up boarding the 6:30pm bus back to NYC instead of the 7pm. We stopped at a Roy Rogers to use the bathrooms, and never one to disappoint, I followed orders. While in the can, I spotted a wad of money on the floor. I hesitated in picking it up for a number of reasons: 1. It’s on the floor of a public bathroom. Touching the bills would fill up my bacteria quota for the month. 2. I always feel weird finding money because I feel like taking it would be like stealing. 3. I can’t very well just leave the money. So I pick it up and there was $23.
We got in at 11, and I got home at midnight. I am exhausted today. And I’ve got a ton of work, which I’m putting off to commune with you folks. See how much I love you?
My bus got into Boston exactly 4 hours later, as planned (Instead of 6 hours later, like I imagined). So now I had 2 ½ hours to kill before the wedding. Clearly, I had overplanned my itinerary. I took the subway out to Arlington and hitched a cab to the venue. The cab cost me $37. Mind you, my roundtrip bus ticket was $30. Each 1/8 of a mile was $0.30. I swear, I looked at the meter when it was $3, looked down to fetch something in purse, and looked up to see it was at $13. Insanity!
K’s wedding was perfect. Perfect weather, perfect venue, perfect food, perfect drinks, perfect guests, perfect gown, perfect vows, sheer perfection. It was crazy. When I saw her at the head of the aisle with either parent on her side, in tears, I thought “Oh no!” Thank God I was wearing sunglasses to hide the overflowing flood gates. She was, as expected, a nervous wreck. She said she puked several times over the past few days, which was good because it helped her get into her dress. I said “Oh honey, if you ever need to lose weight, become a nervous wreck and you’ll sh!t and puke yourself down to a size 4” Trust me, I know.
At dinner, we were talking about how this girl J doesn’t look her age (31) at all. She looks more like 25. I said “Yeah, and people tell me I don’t look my age”. A fellow who looked like a Mormon polygamist asked me my age and when I told him, he responded with “Wow, you look WAY older than 30”. I...I kinda meant that people guess younger. Everyone at the table, other than me, was stunned that he had said that. Granted, I didn’t look my best. I’ve broken out like crazy, I’ve got a cold sore, I’ve had no appetite for 2 days, and I hadn’t slept since the new moon. I looked haggard at best. So I wasn’t offended. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy to be.
So I ended up boarding the 6:30pm bus back to NYC instead of the 7pm. We stopped at a Roy Rogers to use the bathrooms, and never one to disappoint, I followed orders. While in the can, I spotted a wad of money on the floor. I hesitated in picking it up for a number of reasons: 1. It’s on the floor of a public bathroom. Touching the bills would fill up my bacteria quota for the month. 2. I always feel weird finding money because I feel like taking it would be like stealing. 3. I can’t very well just leave the money. So I pick it up and there was $23.
We got in at 11, and I got home at midnight. I am exhausted today. And I’ve got a ton of work, which I’m putting off to commune with you folks. See how much I love you?
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Bachelor is BACK
This season brings us to Rome where the prince Lorenzo Borghese, an American currently residing in my neck of the woods, is attempting to find true love among ABC’s carefully selected group of 25 gaggling geese. “EEEkk… shreeek… a prince. Oh my God! A real life fairytale. Where’s my frog? I could be a PRINCESS! Screeeeecccchhhhh…” 25 women, most under the age of 25, despite our bachelor being 34. He’s cute. I mean, in that popular-preppy-boy-from-1980s-cult-classics way. Dreamy, in fact. Why does ABC pick really young, insecure, clingy, bitchy women for each season? Oh I know. Because they want drama and don’t give a rat’s behind about “true love”. But they’ve only had TWO couples actually survive, so it’s not boding well for their reputation. You’d think they’d want to appease their audience a little by at least throwing in a couple of intelligent, sophisticated, independent women on there. But NO! Catfights make for much better television. These girls take the cake though. Each season they get dumber, needier, sluttier, and more inebriated. Something tells me that this season we’ll find at least one loca throwing Thumper into the kettle.
In the first episode, two women danced for him, one woman serenaded him in an operatic voice, one woman revealed that she sold her car to afford all the paraphernalia it takes to look pretty for the prince, one girl revealed she’s saving herself for marriage, one girl hugged a tree, and many girls cried. “Why didn’t he pick me? What’s wrong with me? I thought we had a CONNECTION. He’s so AMAZING”. At least there wasn’t a 30-something demanding the bachelor inseminate her pronto, before her eggs rot. Yup. That happened last season. In Paris. Let’s bring the show back to home turf, ABC. They get loonier and loonier abroad.
Anyway, I am so looking forward to this season. And my second favorite television show after Grey’s Anatomy is back on Monday nights: What About Brian. So, Monday and Thursday nights will find me on my futon cringing, crying, laughing and maybe even playing with myself. Who wouldn’t when you’ve got McDreamy, McSteamy, Preppy and Dopey dancing before your eyes?
In the first episode, two women danced for him, one woman serenaded him in an operatic voice, one woman revealed that she sold her car to afford all the paraphernalia it takes to look pretty for the prince, one girl revealed she’s saving herself for marriage, one girl hugged a tree, and many girls cried. “Why didn’t he pick me? What’s wrong with me? I thought we had a CONNECTION. He’s so AMAZING”. At least there wasn’t a 30-something demanding the bachelor inseminate her pronto, before her eggs rot. Yup. That happened last season. In Paris. Let’s bring the show back to home turf, ABC. They get loonier and loonier abroad.
Anyway, I am so looking forward to this season. And my second favorite television show after Grey’s Anatomy is back on Monday nights: What About Brian. So, Monday and Thursday nights will find me on my futon cringing, crying, laughing and maybe even playing with myself. Who wouldn’t when you’ve got McDreamy, McSteamy, Preppy and Dopey dancing before your eyes?
