Fondue and Swatches - the great Swiss send off

Two and a half months ago I applied to grad school in Switzerland. This week I found out that I was accepted.

So I'm in the midst of mayhem, trying to pack up my life here over the next 2 weeks (pack, rent my apartment, sell furniture and say goodbye to friends). And trying to secure a place to live in Switzerland from afar. The big wild card: whether I'll even make it in time for the courses to start, as I have to wait for my visa. That is due to take me at least until the first week of courses.

Ahhh... after a long drought, suddenly, a flood.

Sucked dry

I'm not very exciting on here. Haven't written much. Have no real motivation to write and worse, even less desire to make the writing interesting and witty.

I'm still unemployed and bored to tears by my life right now. Perhaps that has something to do with it.

Just wanted to say sorry for being so lame but I feel rather sucked dry of any oomph right now.

Skincare dilemma

For the past several years I have made the switch over to organicn/natural products... for ingestion and topical use. While I eat out at regular restaurants, when I buy food from the grocery store, 90% of what I buy is organic. I also started to purchase organic skincare products as well - I'm currently using Avalon Organics.

The thing is, while I have always been health conscious and am pretty earth conscious, I am also vain. I want to look good. And as a 34-year-old woman who roughly 8 years ago began purcashing 'anti-wrinkle' products, I am now facing a cross-roads. I want the age fighting products, but I know that many of these contain toxic/synthetic chemicals. I'd love to believe that I can ward off the signs of aging by the juices of berries, herbs and oils, but I just don't think that's really possible. I get plenty of sleep a night, I drink water all day long (barely ever drink alcohol or caffeinated products), I eat health-fully and I walk a lot because I live in New York. Most people don't guess I'm 34 but say that I look 30 or even late 20s. So I'm doing OK so far, but I want to maintain that.

So.... anyone out there know of a viable line of skincare products that are natural but also really good at keeping you youthful?

Anyone?

Raaaptuuuuurreee!

Can't get Blondie outta my head today.

If there is such a thing as the Rapture, and if it indeed does happen tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I'll be one of the folks left around on Sunday clawing at my bloody eyes. Not that I think I'd be deserving of hell, if I believed that there was such a cruel God as to inflict that kind of pain on His children, but because I have done nothing but mock the shit out of the people handing out "Save yourself!" flyers on the streets of Manhattan. Seriously?

In other news, I want money.

Spring cleaning

I had sublet my apartment for about 6 weeks when I decided to go visit my family in upstate NY. Being unemployed, I figured "Why not let someone else pay my rent for a while?"

I got back on Tuesday and when I walked in the door, the Virgo hairs on my Virgo arms stood straight up in disgust. (Virgos tend to be hygienic neat freaks). While my tenant had left everything in order, this apartment had been lived in by another and not properly cleaned in over a month. My tenant was an 80-year-old psychologist who was in between moves across country and wanted to just take some time off to relax in her favorite city, New York. I thought this was ideal for me, knowing that since she's not young, she wouldn't throw any ragers, nor have any guys over (the last time I sublet my place, I found condom packets under my bed. They did not belong to me. I vomited a good amount after the realization that my tenant had had sex in my bed). And since she's old, she'd be respectful and financially secure. Of course, after I had signed the agreement, my mother delivered this lovely bit of encouragement "She's 80? Wow. Well, I hope she doesn't pee in your bed". I'm happy to report that she didn't. Overall, a wise choice in tenant. But when I saw long gray hairs on my rug and couch, I knew I had to put on my 'housewife face' and get busy.

Laundry and grocery shopping, followed by a quick vacuuming of the floors on Tuesday.

I devoted all day Wednesday to spring cleaning. I did the seasonal clothing switch - you know, that time that comes along twice a year when people who live in homes the size of a tuna can have to pull out of storage the new season's wardrobe and stow the previous season's, all because we have 1 midget-sized closet? I went through my junk drawers and filing cabinet to sift through crap. I filled up a bag full of clothes for Good Will (the second time in 6 months). Five hours in and things were moving swimmingly. I then cleared all the storage boxes from under my bed so that I can move it and clean the floors underneath when what do I spot but a mutant dead cockroach. This thing was the size of an infant. I can't tell you how relieved I was over its demise prior to my discovery of it.

I vacuumed and then got on all fours and washed the floors.

And so after 8 hours of wiping, vacuuming, washing, throwing out, putting away, ironing and smelling, I showered and crawled into bed. With a huge smile on my face... the kind of smile that only a fellow neat-freak, organized, hygienic enemy-of-clutter Virgo could understand.

PS. I did look EXACTLY like the woman in the picture throughout it all, I might add. ;-)

Unwelcome opinions, family dynamics and staying afloat - a long rant

I'm at home for a month. By home I mean the town where I grew up. Around family. By family, I mean my "come-back-to-live-in-this-town-population-600k" mother and my "I-know-far-better-than-you-what's-best-for-you" sister.

I have been presented several opinions over the last few days that did nothing to serve me or feed my soul. One person in particular is a champ in this sport: my sister.

On Monday morning I said how insanely fatigued I'd be if I had Jamie Oliver's job. We were watching a Season 1 marathon of Food Revolution the night before and were amazed at the amount of energy he had. I knew that if I were in his shoes I wouldn't last because I couldn't be that 'ON' all day every day. She countered how it really isn't draining at all, but yada yada... her point is not the point here. The point is that no matter what I say, my opinion is countered. If I say it's black, she will always encourage me to look within and see that it is actually white.

In the afternoon I whinged to her a bit about how I had to drop more cash than I had expected on two weeks of retreats that I plan to be doing over the summer in California. I had intended to go to one of them, but when the other one came up as an option, along with its pre-requisites, I had to factor in more money than before. She strongly encouraged me to consider the value of the retreat and what the ROI would be. I didn't say anything, except noted internally how annoying it is that any time I brought up anything about my meditation school to her (which is rare) I have to put on my armor and defend it to death.

Later that afternoon, after looking up job description after job description that required a graduate degree, and after seeing profiles of friends/colleagues that were very focused and linear I turned to her, completely deflated and said how my background is like a salad - a bit of this, a bit of that - and how it's proving to be a liability. I said how I needed either an advanced degree or a series of years in a specific track to be attractive to hiring managers. She gave me a 'poor little puppy' look and said "Yeah, I mean, it's good that you're noticing this. You ARE at that point in your career where you need more of something, like a degree, in order to advance. What about going back to school?"

I told her I didn't want that, which of course meant that she would encourage it even more. I've been looking at jobs mainly in France and when I said something about that, she chimed in with yet another unwelcome opinion: "What bothers me is that you're putting all of your eggs in one basket - France. I mean, you haven't even been there in a couple of years. If I were you, instead of going to the retreat, I'd use that money to go to France and see if I even want to live there any more". Eggs in one basket. Bullllll shheeeett. I have applied to jobs in Singapore, London, Washington DC, San Francisco, LA, France, New York, etc. etc. But that doesn't matter. Because I'm doing one thing - focusing mainly on France - and that needs to be countered. Even if it's countered with untruths.

Black is white. Up is down. Night is day. And whichever one I point out is always the wrong one. Or rather, not "wrong", but certainly not the only answer. And so I'm 'encouraged' to see the other possibilities. Namely those that she's attached to.

The anger welling up inside of me came to a boiling point yesterday afternoon when, after I heard her reading the Dr. Seuss book "Oh the Places You'll Go" to my niece, I commented on how wonderful the book was because it perfectly described the different stages of life. There were times when you'd move mountains and lead the pack. And other times when you'll fall down into a slump and have to 'unslump' yourself. And there was a waste of a space called the Waiting Room, where everyone would be waiting for something. I chuckled wondering which phase I was in and said "I think I'm in the Waiting Room". She looked at me with a smirk and says "I think you've been there a while." At that point I lost it. I had meant waiting, as in waiting for a job. She meant waiting as in waiting to move forward in life. I asked her if she enjoyed walking around with a pin in her hand, on the lookout for bubbles to burst. I could be on top of my game professionally, financially, romantically and she would still harp on me about how I'm screwing up the spiritual aspect of my life. Or my social life. Or my health. Or whatever. Because inevitably there'd be something I'm not doing perfectly and she'll point THAT out.

Like when I told her that I was invited by the World Bank to apply for a senior project manager's position in India, she didn't say "Wow, the World Bank, that's awesome!" She said "Hmmm... that's in Northern India, which I hear isn't as welcoming a place to foreigners as Southern India. I wonder what's so wrong with the position that they're recruiting externally rather than internally". When I was asked to interview for another senior project manager's position to set up a program in 3 African countries and then develop investor outreach worldwide, did she say "Holy crap, that's fantastic to be considered for such an amazing position"? Negative. Her response: "Well, those are some scary African nations. What about security? And the pay is significantly lower than what you were making."

Good is bad. Bad is good.

All of this made me realize what role I play in my family dynamics. No matter how successful I am, professionally, financially, etc. I will forever be seen as the mentally screwed up daughter/sister. So neurotic that she keeps messing up her life. Too crazy to be able to hold down a relationship and thus sigh... poor girl, a bit of a failure.

I have 3 friends that I turn to on a regular basis for support. Why? Because no matter what I come to them with, they've got the pom poms ready. They listen to ME and what I want for me, rather than project their own agenda and issues. I tend to get caught up in my own self-limitations and negative thoughts, so I need others to reflect back to me all of the great possibilities, not feed my inner Eeyore.

I'm in a vulnerable space in that dreaded, useless Waiting Room. I'm rejected more than I'm lauded over my professional background and abilities. I'm on month four of no income. And I've targeted some pretty difficult-to-achieve positions and locales for my next move. Rather than be lifted up in all of this, several are pointing out in their passive-aggressive, condescending, manipulative way how I SHOULD be approaching it all. 'Encouraging' me to consider a path that would, for me, feel like settling.

Except... I don't settle. Never have. And I sure as hell am not about to start now.

An about face

I may soon be offered an incredible job opportunity to work for an incredible institution.

I am very seriously considering turning this down.

Because it's in India.

I guess I'm not as open to drastic change as I thought.